Change is hard.

Change is hard. Especially change that feels as though it is limiting prior freedoms, whether self-imposed or imposed by others. We often respond to change with anger, but unless we know what causes the anger, we can’t figure out how to respond to the change.

For example, I live with several chronic physical and mental conditions. A diagnosis of Type 2 Diabetes has made me change my eating habits and test my blood sugar levels and indeed, how and what I cook for my family – a mixture of other- and self-imposed. Should I be angry at my doctor for prescribing a glucose monitor for me? No. Should I be angry at the doctor who left me on prednisone for a year to manage my RA, which caused a problem in my pancreas that led to the Diabetes diagnosis? Probably not, because I didn’t ask about possible outcomes of long-term steroid use, and given the amount of pain I was in, probably would have made the decision to take them anyway.

Rheumatoid Arthritis limits my physical abilities, making it difficult to move sometimes and sometimes making me choose between participating in activities or going home to rest. Self-imposed restrictions and certainly a difficult change for others to understand when I “don’t look sick.” Actually, I don’t get angry at the RA, I’m so glad to have a diagnosis finally because that led to a treatment plan that actually has alleviated most of the pain, thus slowing the degenerative aspect of the disease. And if others don’t understand why I don’t sign up for certain events, too bad. My close friends and family honor my decisions that honor my health. Perhaps those that don’t support my healthy decisions shouldn't be my friends anyway?

PTS (recently recognized and diagnosed) makes other-imposed changes feel like attacks, sometimes making my response seem “over the top” to what others may perceive as nominal changes. Ah, here is my main cause for needing “anger management.” For years I had no idea why I would go along my happy way, and then, reaching the tipping point, explode into rage. Masters level studies, and much research and years of counseling allowed me to recognize myself in the stories of child-hood abuse survivors. I had learned to subjugate my emotions to everyone else in order to keep peace. Because when other people have strong emotions, bad things happen! I’m no longer a defenseless child, but my body learned these coping mechanisms so early and so well, all I can do as an adult is recognize, honor and then deal with them.

And then there’s the combination factor: RA and Diabetes are both affected by emotions and physical stress. So when I’m upset, my blood sugar and blood pressure elevate, increasing swelling in my joints which makes me hurt more, increasing the physical and emotional stress. Yep, a very vicious cycle.

So how do I cope with change, especially unwanted or unexpected change? (Because even happy or good changes can cause stress too.)

1.      First, I’m trying to notice my emotions. As a survivor of early childhood trauma, I internalized most of my emotions and it has been a long, hard road to revealing them. I don’t know where this quote came from, but it spoke very powerfully to me. I shared these words with my counselor after she and my psychiatrist both told me I would probably never “get over” PTS. And that in fact, my emotions are here to tell me when something is going right or wrong.:

“Anger means you have been hurt, or that someone has crossed a line; love is a sign that someone is important to you; fear wants to protect you from danger; happiness is telling you that all is going well and your wishes have been granted.

Emotions are intensely personal messages that tell you who you are and what is important to you. And they always have your best interests in mind.”

2.      After noticing my emotional responses to something, I then need to honor them. Look those feelings in the eye and say “I see you emotion.” Only by recognizing our emotions can we un-internalize them. A common phrase in self-help groups is “Depression is anger turned inwards.” We can turn those self-destructive inward-pushed emotions outward and minimize their effects on our bodies and mind just by recognizing that they are real and valid. As a pre-teen I had a poster on my wall that said: “Just because you are paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get you.”

3.      After noticing and recognizing and honoring my emotion, I can reflect upon it and decide if PTS or RA or blood sugar levels are influencing the strength of that emotion. See, now I have control of my emotions, not the other way around. So even if the strength of my emotion is swayed by one of my diseases, it does not invalidate the emotion. One doctor told me “Just because you have PMS doesn’t make your rage unreasonable.”

4.      Make sure you have a strong support group. Whether friends, family of origin, family of choice, or professionals, these people can help you reflect and recognize if indeed you are “over the top” or reacting reasonably in a particular situation. When I was going to be sharing a holiday dinner with one of my former abusers present, I took a friend with me. She was coached to give me a particular signal if I started reacting inappropriately because of the PTS. I found that working with my counselor to develop the plan and having a caring friend supporting me in the application of the plan allowed me to enjoy the dinner and I never even had to use my plan.

Yes, change is hard. But we don’t go through life alone. And we can’t get through life without change (can you imagine having to wear diapers throughout your life, instead of just the beginning and end?). Emotions come to us in the interest of health. Use them to make yourself a happier, healthier person. Recognize how you feel in different situations, and make informed decisions that better your life. And like the Snickers ads, don’t make big decisions when you are hungry. 

Checking in with my Stalker 9-14-16

Thirteen months ago I blogged about getting a restraining order against a former boyfriend. He didn’t take the hint (gosh, it was a “appear in court” in-your-face hint) and began driving by my home frequently, leaving packages in and on my vehicles (parked in a “secure” garage), sending me numerous emails daily (again), etc.

I went back to the police, and they picked him up at home on a Friday evening and kept him in jail for the weekend. The following week, I received a criminal protective order, good for three years. Again, a fairly large, in-your-face type of hint.

Six months later, he was back sitting in his vehicle watching my home. The police came (two hours later) and took a report, spoke to him at his home. Promised me (again) that he understood and would no longer bother me. Oops, then he was at my office, trying to talk security into letting him up to my suite, and to intercede with me on his behalf, since the restraining order was almost up! Can we say “clueless?” Another police department called, another report taken.

Because he has not threatened me with physical violence, the police will not go and arrest him. Apparently, emotional abuse is not considered enough, even if it causes physical illness/symptoms in the stalkee (I refuse to see myself as a victim). If he comes within 1000 feet of me (think of a football field), I am not to engage him, but call the police immediately. If he is still there if and when they arrive, then they will arrest him. How am I supposed to keep him there while not “engaging with him?”

Now he is sending Facebook messages to a friend of mine. Long ones, multiple times a day. His wife (oh yes, turns out he was very married) also called my friend accusing me of stalking him. Go figure. I’m getting afraid to go home again. I have changed my Facebook ID. I’m in hiding again. This is no way to live.

I cannot fathom what he thinks his activity will accomplish. I am reminded that to expect logic from an irrational person is not logical.

TO MY STALKER: If you are reading this, please pay close attention to what I am saying:

Go away. Stay away.

Do not call, email, message or mail anything to me or any of my friends, co-workers, acquaintances, or relatives.

Do not drive by my home or place of employment.

Do not try to get information from my doctors or the security people at my office.

Do not have your wife call, email or message me or any of my friends.

All of these activities are considered domestic violence and stalking behavior. I have a CRIMINAL restraining order out against you. I do NOT want to ever see or hear from you again. EVER. By your own admission, I am a stubborn woman. Keep this in mind.

GO AWAY NOW. STAY AWAY FOREVER. THIS MEANS YOU!