Stop the silence, stop the violence

Domestic violence – a phrase that has come to the forefront of the news recently because yet another man beat a woman senseless. In this case, it was a professional football play (Ray Rice of the Baltimore Ravens) beating his fiancé Janay Palmer on February 15, 2014. In March, hotel surveillance video emerged showing him dragging her unconscious body out of an elevator. (http://abcnews.go.com/US/janay-rice-woman-defending-ray-rice/story?id=25378681, 9/10/2014 2:27 PM) Mr. Rice and Ms. Palmer then appeared together at a press conference put on by the Ravens. Less than a week later they married.

“Initially, Rice and Palmer both were charged with simple assault. The Atlantic County prosecutor's office later dropped the charge against her. In March, Rice was indicted by a grant jury on the more serious charge of third-degree assault [First and Second-degree assault charges are worse]. The charge carried a potential sentence of three to five years in prison… In May, Rice entered a program for first-time offenders that would clear his record of the criminal charge if he met certain conditions, including participation in counseling.” (http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/nfl/ravens/2014/09/08/baltimore-ravens-cut-ray-rice/15291729/; 9/10/2014 2:30:35 PM)

During a May news conference put on by the Ravens, both of them addressed the media. She apologized for her role in the incident, while Rice apologized to his bosses. He never once said he was sorry to Ms. Palmer. (http://espn.go.com/espnw/news-commentary/article/11245489/espnw-baltimore-ravens-ray-rice-nfl-domestic-violence-problem; 9/10/2014 2:18 PM). In July Mr. Rice received a 2-game suspension. August saw the NFL introducing new penalties for domestic violence. Then the video of Ms. Palmer’s beating emerged on social media in September, and Mr. Rice was released from the Ravens and suspended indefinitely by the National Football League.

One of the reasons I am so angry about this situation is that a man who knocked a woman out was originally given a slap-on-the-wrist penalty. It was only when the video of the actual beating surfaced and public outcry was heard that he received a stiffer penalty from his employer. I don’t know why Ms. Palmer, now Mrs. Rice, didn’t press charges against Mr. Rice, or indeed, why she then married her abuser. Her reasons are her own. I find it hard to understand why Mr. Rice’s assault on Ms. Palmer was only a misdemeanor offence.

In the two weeks since the NFL imposed the new standardized penalties for domestic violence on August 28, two more pro football players have been arrested on domestic violence charges. Why do we not have more of a public outcry against this abuse? If we say, “Oh, he made a mistake,” when a man beats up a woman, we are condoning his behavior. Beating someone up is not a mistake.

If we say a woman deserved to be dosed with a date-rape drug because she went to a club, we are agreeing that it OK to rape women. Rape is not a mistake.

If we say women should wear sneakers instead of heels, dress conservatively instead of revealingly, walk in groups instead of alone, then we are saying it is a woman’s own fault if she is followed, stalked, assaulted or killed.

This is wrong-thinking and we as a society MUST change it. We don’t make men wear baggy clothing, walk in groups or wear sneakers when they go out at night. Why then do we ask it of women? Because as a society we believe it is OK to abuse women. Think this through carefully. This is why rape and abuse are under-reported. Because it almost always is made to be the woman’s fault. Because we EXPECT men to abuse women. Until we no longer expect men to hurt women, it will continue.

Speak out women! Speak out male-allies! Stop the silence, STOP THE VIOLENCE.
NOW.

Lenten project for non-Christians?

I don’t usually observe Lent too much. I’m not Christian in the way most people think of one and I think of how some folks “give up Chocolate” or some such thing as a trivializing of a potentially spiritually important season.

But this month I have been struggling with the success of a co-worker. This person has many fewer years in the industry than I do; brags about lack of know-how; poor grammar, inability to proof-read and has major holes in professional knowledge. Yet, he (yes, a relatively young man) has been promoted.

I have worked in this industry for 30 years, starting with typing basic forms in quadruplet. I have a B.S. in Business Management and an advanced degree. I have worked on the client and the consulting side of the business. I do pro bono consulting in the industry for nonprofits. I handle a book of business with almost no oversight from our manager.

I’ve been with my employer for 15 years; he has been here less than 5. I recommended him for “Early Career Advancement “ training program. And now this young man has a corner office and I’m still in a cubicle with no hope of a promotion. He’s now probably going to be earning 25% more in salary than I.

The green monster of envy has taken a huge bite out of my goodwill this month. So for Lent this year, I’m re-starting my 90-day challenge and giving up envy.

What you ask is a “90-day challenge?” For 90 consecutive days, I may not criticize this person. In any way. No constructive criticism, no gossip, no digs, no disses. 90 (nine-zero, count them) consecutive days. What if I slip up? Start over at day one. (It once took me over a year to complete a 90-day challenge on a particularly challenging person.)

Will this make me a better person? Probably not. Will it change my co-worker’s life? Nope. Will it change my life? Yes!

By the time I go a full calendar-quarter saying only positive things (or keeping my mouth shut) about my co-worker, I know that I will have greater compassion for him. My blood pressure will not go up when I think of him and his success. I will be able to truly smile and be happy for his promotion. I will probably even like my job more and do it better as my attitude improves.

So my Lenten season will be a little longer than 40 days. I think Jesus would approve of my non-traditional plan for this year. My challenge to you is to make your own 90-day challenge on the person you most complain about. See how your life can change, starting with just one step, one day at a time.