Change is hard. Especially change that feels as though it is
limiting prior freedoms, whether self-imposed or imposed by others. We often
respond to change with anger, but unless we know what causes the anger, we can’t
figure out how to respond to the change.
For example, I live with several chronic physical and mental
conditions. A diagnosis of Type 2 Diabetes has made me change my eating habits
and test my blood sugar levels and indeed, how and what I cook for my family –
a mixture of other- and self-imposed. Should I be angry at my doctor for
prescribing a glucose monitor for me? No. Should I be angry at the doctor who
left me on prednisone for a year to manage my RA, which caused a problem in my
pancreas that led to the Diabetes diagnosis? Probably not, because I didn’t ask
about possible outcomes of long-term steroid use, and given the amount of pain
I was in, probably would have made the decision to take them anyway.
Rheumatoid Arthritis limits my physical abilities, making it
difficult to move sometimes and sometimes making me choose between
participating in activities or going home to rest. Self-imposed restrictions
and certainly a difficult change for others to understand when I “don’t look
sick.” Actually, I don’t get angry at the RA, I’m so glad to have a diagnosis
finally because that led to a treatment plan that actually has alleviated most
of the pain, thus slowing the degenerative aspect of the disease. And if others
don’t understand why I don’t sign up for certain events, too bad. My close
friends and family honor my decisions that honor my health. Perhaps those that
don’t support my healthy decisions shouldn't be my friends anyway?
PTS (recently recognized and diagnosed) makes other-imposed
changes feel like attacks, sometimes making my response seem “over the top” to
what others may perceive as nominal changes. Ah, here is my main cause for
needing “anger management.” For years I had no idea why I would go along my
happy way, and then, reaching the tipping point, explode into rage. Masters
level studies, and much research and years of counseling allowed me to
recognize myself in the stories of child-hood abuse survivors. I had learned to
subjugate my emotions to everyone else in order to keep peace. Because when
other people have strong emotions, bad things happen! I’m no longer a
defenseless child, but my body learned these coping mechanisms so early and so
well, all I can do as an adult is recognize, honor and then deal with them.
And then there’s the combination factor: RA and Diabetes are
both affected by emotions and physical stress. So when I’m upset, my blood
sugar and blood pressure elevate, increasing swelling in my joints which makes
me hurt more, increasing the physical and emotional stress. Yep, a very vicious
cycle.
So how do I cope with change, especially unwanted or
unexpected change? (Because even happy or good changes can cause stress too.)
1.
First, I’m trying to notice my emotions. As a
survivor of early childhood trauma, I internalized most of my emotions and it
has been a long, hard road to revealing them. I don’t know where this quote came
from, but it spoke very powerfully to me. I shared these words with my
counselor after she and my psychiatrist both told me I would probably never “get
over” PTS. And that in fact, my emotions are here to tell me when something is
going right or wrong.:
“Anger means you have been hurt, or that someone has crossed a line; love is a
sign that someone is important to you; fear wants to protect you from danger;
happiness is telling you that all is going well and your wishes have been
granted.
Emotions are intensely personal messages that tell you who you are and what is
important to you. And they always have your best interests in mind.”
2.
After noticing my emotional responses to
something, I then need to honor them. Look those feelings in the eye and say “I
see you emotion.” Only by recognizing our emotions can we un-internalize them.
A common phrase in self-help groups is “Depression is anger turned inwards.” We
can turn those self-destructive inward-pushed emotions outward and minimize
their effects on our bodies and mind just by recognizing that they are real and
valid. As a pre-teen I had a poster on my wall that said: “Just because you are
paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get you.”
3.
After noticing and recognizing and honoring my
emotion, I can reflect upon it and decide if PTS or RA or blood sugar levels
are influencing the strength of that emotion. See, now I have control of my
emotions, not the other way around. So even if the strength of my emotion is
swayed by one of my diseases, it does not invalidate the emotion. One doctor
told me “Just because you have PMS doesn’t make your rage unreasonable.”
4.
Make sure you have a strong support group.
Whether friends, family of origin, family of choice, or professionals, these
people can help you reflect and recognize if indeed you are “over the top” or
reacting reasonably in a particular situation. When I was going to be sharing a
holiday dinner with one of my former abusers present, I took a friend with me.
She was coached to give me a particular signal if I started reacting
inappropriately because of the PTS. I found that working with my counselor to
develop the plan and having a caring friend supporting me in the application of
the plan allowed me to enjoy the dinner and I never even had to use my plan.
Yes, change is hard. But we don’t go through life alone. And
we can’t get through life without change (can you imagine having to wear
diapers throughout your life, instead of just the beginning and end?). Emotions
come to us in the interest of health. Use them to make yourself a happier, healthier
person. Recognize how you feel in different situations, and make informed
decisions that better your life. And like the Snickers ads, don’t make big
decisions when you are hungry.
