I’m one of the lucky ones.

I’m one of the lucky ones. It’s been almost a year since I wrote my last blog on the subject of domestic violence. Unfortunately I now know even more about the subject.

I just ended a romantic relationship. Prior to ending it, I normally received a few texts a day, a phone call or two, never an email. We had dinner together most nights, and a couple of weekend vacations together. Permission or agreement was always requested before coming to each other’s home.

Post break-up, I began receiving 10, 20, even more texts a day. Six to ten phone calls a day. When I blocked the phone number(s), I began receiving multiple phone calls at work. When I didn’t answer my direct line, this person started calling the receptionist multiple times. I started receiving emails, both to my personal address and work address; even though I made it clear I did not want to receive personal emails at my work address. Then, this person also began physically showing up: in my (theoretically secure) home parking garage, at my office, my doctor’s office, my local knitting store, the place where I play trivia, even the Renaissance Faire (where parking costs $10 and admittance is $30) and my church.

I began parking a mile from home and calling my son to see if the coast was clear. Because of the calls and emails at work, my Corporate Security and Corporate HR departments got involved and I had to be escorted to my car in the evenings.

By this time, I’m a nervous wreck. My supervisor took work away from me, saying he didn’t think I could handle my regular workload, much less the additional responsibility I was requesting. I stayed at the office long into the evening, because it was the only place I felt safe. I’m one of the lucky ones – I have a place where I feel safe.

Getting the restraining order was an ordeal. I’m fairly bright, college educated, computer literate and persistent. I researched on-line for what was needed, found the forms, printed them out and called a few agencies to confirm what I needed to file for a domestic violence restraining order. Still, when I got to the courthouse with my completed and signed paperwork, I was sent from office to office, told to complete more forms, then back to the office-to-office routine. It took over 3 hours, even though I thought I was thoroughly prepared when I arrived. I was exhausted by the time I actually gave the local police a copy of the temporary restraining order.

I cannot imagine trying to get this done if I were a less-privileged person. If I had been beat up that morning and escaped my home with only my kids and the clothes on our back, how could I have done research? How would I have found the forms? What if I didn’t speak English or have a computer with internet connection or transportation? My local courthouse has “help-hours” for 2 hours twice a week. The downtown courthouse has help 3 hours twice a week. Do they think domestic violence only happens on those days?

I’m one of the lucky ones. I wasn’t afraid for my physical safety (too much). I have resources and friends available. I speak English. I am stubborn and well-educated. I was granted a one-year restraining order. My former lover has to attend a 52-week class regarding domestic violence and transfer ownership or store all owned firearms at an approved gun locker. I don’t know what will happen in a year. But at least now I’m not afraid to go home at night.

At least I have a home to go to. I don’t have to try and find a bed at a shelter for me and my children. I have a job still. I’m one of the lucky ones.

It’s time to end domestic violence, now and forever. Stop the silence, stop the violence. Before you find out if you are one of the lucky ones.

Stop the silence, stop the violence

Domestic violence – a phrase that has come to the forefront of the news recently because yet another man beat a woman senseless. In this case, it was a professional football play (Ray Rice of the Baltimore Ravens) beating his fiancé Janay Palmer on February 15, 2014. In March, hotel surveillance video emerged showing him dragging her unconscious body out of an elevator. (http://abcnews.go.com/US/janay-rice-woman-defending-ray-rice/story?id=25378681, 9/10/2014 2:27 PM) Mr. Rice and Ms. Palmer then appeared together at a press conference put on by the Ravens. Less than a week later they married.

“Initially, Rice and Palmer both were charged with simple assault. The Atlantic County prosecutor's office later dropped the charge against her. In March, Rice was indicted by a grant jury on the more serious charge of third-degree assault [First and Second-degree assault charges are worse]. The charge carried a potential sentence of three to five years in prison… In May, Rice entered a program for first-time offenders that would clear his record of the criminal charge if he met certain conditions, including participation in counseling.” (http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/nfl/ravens/2014/09/08/baltimore-ravens-cut-ray-rice/15291729/; 9/10/2014 2:30:35 PM)

During a May news conference put on by the Ravens, both of them addressed the media. She apologized for her role in the incident, while Rice apologized to his bosses. He never once said he was sorry to Ms. Palmer. (http://espn.go.com/espnw/news-commentary/article/11245489/espnw-baltimore-ravens-ray-rice-nfl-domestic-violence-problem; 9/10/2014 2:18 PM). In July Mr. Rice received a 2-game suspension. August saw the NFL introducing new penalties for domestic violence. Then the video of Ms. Palmer’s beating emerged on social media in September, and Mr. Rice was released from the Ravens and suspended indefinitely by the National Football League.

One of the reasons I am so angry about this situation is that a man who knocked a woman out was originally given a slap-on-the-wrist penalty. It was only when the video of the actual beating surfaced and public outcry was heard that he received a stiffer penalty from his employer. I don’t know why Ms. Palmer, now Mrs. Rice, didn’t press charges against Mr. Rice, or indeed, why she then married her abuser. Her reasons are her own. I find it hard to understand why Mr. Rice’s assault on Ms. Palmer was only a misdemeanor offence.

In the two weeks since the NFL imposed the new standardized penalties for domestic violence on August 28, two more pro football players have been arrested on domestic violence charges. Why do we not have more of a public outcry against this abuse? If we say, “Oh, he made a mistake,” when a man beats up a woman, we are condoning his behavior. Beating someone up is not a mistake.

If we say a woman deserved to be dosed with a date-rape drug because she went to a club, we are agreeing that it OK to rape women. Rape is not a mistake.

If we say women should wear sneakers instead of heels, dress conservatively instead of revealingly, walk in groups instead of alone, then we are saying it is a woman’s own fault if she is followed, stalked, assaulted or killed.

This is wrong-thinking and we as a society MUST change it. We don’t make men wear baggy clothing, walk in groups or wear sneakers when they go out at night. Why then do we ask it of women? Because as a society we believe it is OK to abuse women. Think this through carefully. This is why rape and abuse are under-reported. Because it almost always is made to be the woman’s fault. Because we EXPECT men to abuse women. Until we no longer expect men to hurt women, it will continue.

Speak out women! Speak out male-allies! Stop the silence, STOP THE VIOLENCE.
NOW.